THOMPSON, zaria seraphine

[ajane]

TAKE WHAT IS LEFT OF ME

AND MAKE IT A BEAUTIFUL MELODY

ZARIA SERAPHINE THOMPSON
YOU'D BE MY REMEDY

twenty-two ,.,., civilian ,.,., NYU senior ,.,., dianna agron
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Dear Diary,

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God, long time no write. There's so much to write about now because so much has happened lately. Today my dad took me to the Mercedes-Benz dealer in town. I don't know much about cars, but I know that the five liter V8 front longitudinal engine will get me to where I need to go. I think I like cars. No, scratch that. I think I love fast cars. Zoom, zoom, baby. You should see the wheels on this thing. Some may call me spoiled, but I'm far from the brat I used to be. I think being at NYU has changed me a little. I know being with Nate has changed me a lot.

One. I used to like things. It didn't matter what they cost, but if they cost a lot, I liked them a lot more. Did that make me materialistic? Friggin-aye. I used to dream of being a celebrity shopper just because I thought I had good taste. Owning twenty five pairs of striped and argyle socks proved my point. That was high school. If only my sorority sisters at Pi Beta Phi could have seen me then. Knee-high socks and a cute little dress with a lot of sparkles. I think I would be ashamed of the me from back then compared to the me from now. I used to judge a boy by the gifts he would give me. If he gave me a charm bracelet he picked up from one of those tacky claw machines, he would never score! If he gave me flowers dug up out of the cemetery, that freaked me the hell out. I needed the bling. I needed the sparkles. I needed him to prove he loved me and not just my chest. I needed him to show me how much he cared for me by the amount of money he could spend.

Wow. Shameful.

And, the sad part is, I used to be way, way worse.

I can't even remember the last thing Nate bought me. He was the first boy I've never had such expectations for.

And what the boys didn't buy for me, my father did. I have always been daddy's favorite. The first girl in his family to graduate college is a big deal for him. I think the computers and the phones and the tablets and the car pretty much say I am spoiled absolutely rotten. I have no problem with this. Why not? I'm not being groomed for a life in his conglomerate. I'm certainly not being forced into business school or law school... yet. I think he wishes I would have chosen medicine. But, I am a student of the science of human thought and expression.

Two. I have always been a girl. A girly girl, mind you. Aside from being spoiled, I always have to look put together. I hide my insecurity in the amount of blonde hair I have and the makeup I put on. The more eyeliner, the more confident. There's nothing wrong with that, is there? Dresses make me feel pretty and I like feeling pretty. A smile can make me feel thousands of times better. There's nothing I like more than being able to laugh and smile. I live wearing beads and cuffs and shoes that stand out. I like being admired or envied. What girl doesn't? Sure, I drag Nate around to parties and functions and he looks like he's suffering his eye-candy status, but he can't mind that. It's the way people are in my life. Ever since I was a young girl, I've seen partners as little more than social trophies, arm candy to be paraded around, ooh-ed and aah-ed over and then tucked back into a closet.

Three. My parents barely tolerate one another anymore. When I was young, we used to do everything together. We'd go to theme parks and the beach and to museums and everything. But now, things have changed. I was sure that my dad loved my mom by the way he looked at her. The way he said he would do anything for her. He even used to tell her he loved her. Now, I wonder if that "love" is sort of the pragmatic way of saying they stayed together because of me. If that's the case, I don't want to know. They haven't even shared a bedroom in almost five years. Part of me wonders if that's why I'm afraid to get close to someone. Even close to Nate. Does that make me weak?

Four. I am afraid. I'm almost done with school and I feel I have accomplished nothing in my life. Sure, I hide behind my daddy and his money and his power, but what have I done, really? I've seen only the best that life has to offer. I haven't come close to seeing the worst. The world is wide open to me. Look at me. I'm holding onto my high school status. I'm holding onto my boyfriend. I'm just holding myself back because I'm so scared to take that first step. I guess it's because I've been sheltered for so long. Everyone was so afraid of daddy that they didn't really know what to do with me. And here I am, an adult for the first time, striking out on my own. I can drink legally. I can vote. I can gamble. And I can get a job and be a productive member of society. I won't let my name hold me back or get me ahead.

Five. I had a dream a few nights ago... about Nate. He was with another man. And when he came out to tell me some guy had hit on him and slipped him his number, well... can a girl put two and two together or what? Math may be my weaker subject, but I know full well how to put pieces of a puzzle together. I've been with him for so long now that I don't know what to do. Part of me will always love him. And part of me really believes he is gay. I hadn't seen him looking so excited to see another man before in my life. And he had met my father!

Maybe it's because my parents can barely look each other in the eye anymore without arguing. Maybe it's because we're so different and that's part of the reason why I love him.

I can't believe I just wrote that.

Maybe I don't even know what love is. Not that kind of love anyway. Sex is one thing. Being able to look someone in the eye and say those three words because you can't imagine not having this person in your life again is another.

What else is on my mind? I got a job as a barista. The pay isn't great, but at least I can pay to put money in my new wheels. I'm learning how to cook for the first time in my life. I'm thinking about getting a dog in my new digs. I get to go to Paris for my new wardrobe this fall. Yeah, I'm spoiled. Get over it. I picked up jogging and it lasted all of sixteen minutes before I pulled my left quad. I was never built for exercise after the age of twenty. Being a cheerleader and a gymnast seems almost a cakewalk compared to picking up something like martial arts or dance. I signed up for salsa classes. Why not learn how to dance?

I should go. My dad is throwing some sort of media party for his new clients. Can you believe that not one of them can correctly pronounce 'youtube'?

-- Zee

Dear Diary,[/size]

Okay, it's been a few days again. I just got to see my favorite person in the world - Grammy! She's mom's mom and she lives in Albany. Did you know I grew up there, diary? I bet you didn't! Anyway, Grammy lives at the horse ranch where mom grew up. Grampy died when I was younger and I didn't know him very well. I used to call him Duck because, well, that's what he looked like. Go figure. Yes, I am still as judgmental as ever. It is part of my ego personality.

Horses terrify me. I almost got trampled to death twice when I lived at Grammy's for the summer. Mom and daddy used to travel with his clients in the summer, so I spent my vacation from school at Grammy's. Lucky me, because I love her so much. She taught me that I was not a terrible baker. I can make tiramisu that she says tastes like Italy all over again. Yes, Grammy came from Italy when she was a little girl and I look nothing like her. Except maybe the eyes.

I want Grammy to meet Nate someday. Somehow, they keep missing each other. Grammy can't get around much anymore since the stroke. Daddy doesn't want her to live with us though. He keeps calling her a miserable bat and offering to pay for some assisted living place up north. I wish he wouldn't. I love my dad but he can be so mean sometimes. I think I get that trait from him. What did I get from my mom? Besides a whole lot of fear and insecurities and the ability to put on eyeliner in a moving car - one I happen to be driving? Yes, thank you mom, for giving me double the teenage drama any other girl could.

Grammy also taught me that I hate playing the piano. My fingers are the wrong shape for it. Same with the clarinet and the trumpet and whatever the hell a bassoon is. But she did teach me to do a cartwheel. And I have taken that all the way to now. I'm not as sporty as I used to be, but I can still do a mean cartwheel.

She also likes to give me things that are old. Old cameras, old telescopes, old luggage. I love cameras. Like, have a serious obsession with collecting them and using them. I need to learn how to use a dark room though.

I always miss her when she leaves. I hope she comes to visit me at the university. I really would like to ask her what to do about Nate. And hope she doesn't ask me if I'm serious, because I would have to tell her otherwise. Me? Serious? Never.

Until next time!

-- Zee


Dear Diary,[/size]

Have I mentioned how much I love being called Ari? I can't... I'm not even...

Some things are so confusing.

I really need to stop sticking my foot into my mouth and swallowing it.

-- Zee[/blockquote][/blockquote][/justify]

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anna/aj ,.,., twenty ,.,., adminedit ,.,., n/a

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